4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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