yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
