and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
