I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
