R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
