a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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