I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
