You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
