I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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