well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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