tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
