haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
