I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
