Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
