i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Even my vagina gasped.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
