I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
