Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
