I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Houston, we have a blender
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
