True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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