Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she smelled like a LAN party
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
