If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
