Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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