Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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