Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
