By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
