peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
