She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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