I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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