I smell stomach acid.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
