So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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