he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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