you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
