Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
