You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
