I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
