If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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