I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize