Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
