When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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