I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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