you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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