He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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