I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
