The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
