as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
