My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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