I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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