Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
