Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
