this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
