i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
