If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
