I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dignity is for republicans.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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