Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
