I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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