As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
