one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
