And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
