this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's shark week go big or go home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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